SPITTING ALPHABET SOUP IN THE FACE OF ORDINARY REALITY
Survival in the corporate world is strongly dependent upon the ability to mouth the latest
slogan, or mantra with a straight face. In Imaginary Reality, application of the correct
slogan assures the accomplishment of the desired goal. Let us take, as an example,
QA/QC which was regarded a few years ago as the buzzword to end all buzzwords, the
'idea' that was going to revolutionize the corporate enterprise for the entire free world.
The company I worked for at the time held an interminable meeting establishing a QA/QC
committee. We were told that the acronym translated into Quality Assurance/Quality
Control. A co-worker, somewhere in the 4th hour of the meeting, groping to understand
what was going on, said, "Oh, you mean, making sure we do a good job." The
Imaginarian in charge recognized immediately that the intrusion of such pedestrian
Ordinarian concepts into the glamorous world of Corporate Imaginarianism could only sap
the power of sloganeering. So the employee, who shall remain nameless (because hers
was taken from her right after the meeting) was informed, tight lipped, that the phrase
meant just what it said, "Quality Assurance/Quality Control."
Well, the rest of us, being no dummies, pretended she no longer existed -- and maybe she
doesn't. Who knows? While her summary had captured the essence of the whole meeting,
the committee formation, and the assignment of roles -- to say nothing of all the meetings
that followed -- we nodded our heads sagely. Quality Assurance/Quality Control it was.
Nevertheless, deep in our hearts, we believed that we had just heard several thousand
Imaginarian words that could be summed up as "Making sure we do a good job," just like
what's-her-name said.
But that shows how little we really knew. Soon we were introduced to the subtleties of
Imaginary Reality. What these endless meetings and this committee and these thousands -
- rising eventually to millions -- of words really portended was giving the
appearance of making sure we were doing a good job. Since other participating
enterprises -- and the courts -- have their roots in Imaginary Reality, the primary emphasis,
even the only emphasis is on appearance. If a business could show that it had
a QA/QC structure in place, complete with officer and support committee, it was far less
likely to get sued for putting 'Aspirin' labels on the rat poison. And if it was
sued, the presence of the QA/QC structure was sure to mitigate the penalties.
Some, less conscious than the rest of us of their need for jobs, started talking about the Chicken Little approach to
problem solving and remarked that if the company in question hadn't spent all that
time and effort in establishing a QA/QC alibi, they probably would have caught the
mislabeled bottles before they were shipped. Some even began to refer to the mantra as
"Quivering Ass/Quickly Cover". Of course, these people seem now to have joined what's-
her-name in anonymous limbo.
So learn this lesson, and learn it well, you who would survive in the world of corporate
enterprise: Repeat the mantras that are current, and repeat them first among your fellows,
being careful, of course, not to anticipate the boss. Don't need to explain that one, do I?
Repeat them with great assurance, and with a straight face! Don't snicker or
look embarrassed. Remember, some Imaginarian devised this mantra to sell his book and
make a fortune leading endless seminars that serve to bring ever closer together Imaginary
Reality and Ordinary Reality. And these things are vital to the Imaginarian effort. If some
Imaginarian in high position starts talking about profit centers, don't snort and say things
like, "I shall fear no medieval," or, "Hey, that sounds a lot like the little mom and pop
operations we just drove out of business."
Perhaps just as important, when a particular mantra is abandoned because some
Imaginarian has found a new glittery pebble, be the first to quit repeating it. Be aware!
Remember that the lifetime of a slogan is about the same length as the Imaginarian code of
ethics. Let the boss know you are on the cutting edge of the new century (And don't
even think of muttering to somebody at the coffee machine that the century in
question is probably the twelfth.).
You are now prepared to succeed in the Imaginarian world of Big Business. But first, a
test. Since tests are Imaginarian concepts in the first place, it is appropriate that we use
one to judge your preparedness to compete in the marketplace. So, here it is:
One of Mo Udall's favorite jokes runs something like this: What is the difference between
a day care center and the basement of the Reagan Whitehouse where Iran/Contra had its
origin? Well, in a day care center, the children have adult supervision.
If you get the joke and see an application to the modern corporate enterprise, you
flunk! Go to the top of the page, and start over.
